The new Republican purity test

Republicans considering ideological purity test for candidates:

Ten members of the Republican National Committee are proposing a resolution demanding candidates embrace at least eight of 10 conservative principles if they hope to receive financial support and an official endorsement from the RNC. The "Proposed RNC Resolution on Reagan's Unity Principle for Support of Candidates," is designed to force candidates to prove that they support "conservative principles" while opposing "Obama's socialist agenda," according to The New York Times' Caucus blog. The proposal highlights the ongoing tug-of-war for the ideological soul of the Republican party, and has been met with skepticism both inside and outside of the party.

Here's the purity test:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;

We support shrinking the debt by cutting taxes, spending more than the entire world on war armaments and by extirpating some nebulous "wasteful spending" and earmarks.

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

We support a completely dysfunctional health care system where the number one cause of middle-class bankruptcy is medical debt. We'll continue this whole charade about magical "free-market solutions" brought to you by the free-market fairy.

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

I'll give the Republicans this one. They do seem to oppose cap-and-trade.

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

When did the Republican Party become the party of workers' rights?

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

We support taking in millions and millions of immigrants. They just have to be legal. Then, they can assimilate into America and vote for the Democrats as our party continues a futile pandering effort to attract minority voters.

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

We don't know what victory means and cannot define it, but we should never withdraw from pointless military adventures because it is a "sign of weakness." We should have listened to MacArthur in Korean and nuked the Chinese because it was "military recommended." By staying in Iraq and Afghanistan for 100 years, we will eliminate the national debt.

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

We continue to search out new markets to spread the gospel of freedom and democracy.

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

We will continue to mobilize our base by pretending we care about their issues and do absolutely nothing to stop gay marriage, abortion, or anything else. Once we reclaim power, we will continue to pursue tax-cuts for the rich, raid the treasury, invade nations under false pretenses and push the agenda of our neoconservative and corporate backers.
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

We continue to support insurance bureaucrats rationing health-care. We will continue to pretend to fight against abortion while our own insurance policy for the RNC covers elective abortion.
(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;

We believe in slowly eroding liberties, unlike the Democrats, who prefer quickly destroying liberties.

God bless the RNC. They sure do try.

P.S: Am I the only one whose stomach churns at the constant invocations of Ronald Reagan?