Jonah Goldberg's troubled mind...

Is Jonah Goldberg troubled by BP's misinformation and media censorship? Is he troubled by the thousands of Gulf Coast fishermen who have lost their ability to provide for their families? Is he worried about the clean-up workers who are suffering health problems because they haven't been issued proper protective gear? Is he setting up an office pool to help his fellow Americans who have been impacted by the worst environmental disaster in U.S history? Is he upset that it's going to take years to clean up the Louisiana marshes? Is he anxious because there is a possibility the relief well might not stop the oil from gushing out even longer and doing even more damage?

Well not exactly. You see Jonah is a conservative and a Republican. He's not going gonna let those evil liberal fascists talk about all the carcinogens and toxins suffocating the locals to divert attention from the real threat:

After the Exxon Valdez spill, people from some very far-flung parts of the United States showed up with hat-in-hand to get "compensated." One Alaskan relative of mine told how he left a meeting in disgust when some Floridians came rattling their tin cups.

I have no desire to disparage anybody who's seeking legitimate compensation. But I have a very strong desire to disparage folks who are going to make some underserved coin from the Gulf spill.

Seriously! Jonah Goldberg is worried about all the Alaskans that are speeding down to Florida right now rattling their tin cups!

Republicans 2010! Stop the Fraud!

Around the Horn

I found Mitt Romney's nonsensical plan to revive our economy linked by several Republican hacks during my weekly trek into the infernal regions of Republican establishment quackery. Apparently, Newt Gingrich isn't the only Republican capable of formulating worthless ten point plans on nearly everything and having it swallowed as Gospel by the faux-conservative gasbags that dominate the Republican Party.

I then discovered that Bob Dole was still alive and taking insulubrious doses of American Exceptionalism sildenafil. He's now warning us about the existential threat posed by the possibility of a decentralized Bosnia. He even manages to throw in the timeless "indispesable nation" drivel and as a good Republican pontificates on the evils and dangers of multilaterialism.

Michael Goldfarb doesn't seem to care that the Afghan Army we are fighting side-by-side with are a bunch of raving lunatics; who, in-between firefights, indulge in their favorite hobby of getting doped up on opium and hashish. He even has the bad taste to compare the complete disorientation and recklessness of the Afghanis drug addiction with the British rum ration of World War I.

Another sophisticated writer at the same magazine opines that unless women in Afghanistan parade around the streets of Kabul in short-skirts it will "constitute moral and strategic failure."
Hopefully, Obama's surge in Afghanistan will allow this vital American interest to come to fruition and keep us safe from terrorists.

Another strident defender of America from the nefarious Islamofascists has a theory that one possible reason for America's declining crime rate is higher immigration. He concisely titles his wonderful prose "Higher Immigration, Lower Crime"! I also learned that "Daniel Griswold is director of the Center for Trade Policy Studies at the Cato Institute and author of the new book Mad About Trade: Why Main Street America Should Embrace Globalization." Not only is Danny kind enough to peddle a fantasy immigration policy, he also promulgates a fantasy economic system for the middle-class! I'm sure informing Main Street that they can have the leftover remnant of the economic pie-after immigrants and outsourcing- is a sure way to win them over!

And Finally, I leave you with this wonderful article by Barbara Lerner. Misses Lerner -recently escaped from an insane asylum- wants you to direct all of your irrational fear, paranoia, and hatred like a laser against Iran. Watch Fox News, read the Weekly Standard, listen to Rudy Giuliani speeches, live your entire life in fear and build a nuclear fallout shelter because Iran is on the march! Unless we take action now, the mighty and powerful Iranian air force of f-14's will be dropping nukes on a city near you. Here's a sample of Barbie's powerful writing:

Are you worried — like so many Americans after the Fort Hood massacre — about the growing threat of Islamist subversion and terror here at home? Worried, beyond that, about what we’re doing — or not doing — militarily in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq? Worried about the growing reach and power of Islamist movements in Europe and South America, as well as Asia, the Middle East, and Turkey? Worried about the military alliances Islamist governments are forging with their secular mirror images: socialist-god governments in places like North Korea, Russia, and Venezuela?

Then focus like a laser on Iran, now, because Islamists will score major victories in all those places and more if we fail to prevent the ruling mullahs from openly, triumphantly making Iran the world’s first Islamist nuclear power. The danger isn’t only Iran’s own catastrophic recklessness, once she gets the bomb, or the fact that all her Arab neighbors will respond by scrambling to go nuclear too. It’s also that Islamists everywhere — joined by growing masses of previously undecided Muslims — will see Iran’s success in achieving nuclear status the way Iran’s mullahs see it: as a historic defeat for the West, blasting open the gate to a 21st-century world where Islam rules and Christians, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists are subservient or worse. Islamist ranks will swell, everywhere, as confidence grows that the Islamist side is the winning side, and victory is near.

The National Review's definition of very conservative

John Key! A man who admits he's more centrist then his somewhat more conservative predecessor Don Brash. Neither of the two are conservative in any sense of the word, yet Brash at least gave a modicum of conservative rhetoric when he was in the loyal opposition. They are both stewards of big government and big business working in tandem along with a welfare state. While the left in New Zealand does the phony "reform capitalism now" charade, the right does the "reform welfare" chicanery. Yet neither has been substantially curtailed and the main victim is the middle class Kiwis.

Here is Veronique de Rugy claiming John Key is "very conservative."

It should be noted that Veronique de Rugy is an economist and thus utterly incapable of considering herself and others anything but economic units. Her definition of "conservatism" is utterly warped. To Veronique, a "conservative" is one who loves big business and wants them to have free reign over the world without the interference of the "liberal" government. Paeans to small business, entrepreneurship and personal responsibility aside, this is the crux of her dogma. In this worldview, there is nothing outside the efficiency of the so-called "free-market." There are no individuals, no morality, no religion, nothing outside of economic calculations is of any value. Nations have become "markets" and citizens have become "consumers."

So let's meet-in the words of Veronique de Rugy-the "very conservative" Prime Minister of New Zealand.

In typical "conservative" fashion, he claims to be against gay marriage yet supports civil unions and gay adoption. He even went as far as to say he would go gay for Brad Pitt!

Key also goes to church "a lot" yet doesn't believe in God!

Yet, the "real conservatives" at National Review tell me he's a "real conservative!" Once again, fake conservatives call a fake conservative an example for the rest of us to follow.